Beautiful & Sneaky Hot Women. Plus a few other notes…

First, let me begin by asking this question; is it wrong that an incredibly white man, such as yours truly, is a huge fan of gangsta’ rap? I mean, I know the music wasn’t exactly aimed at me, but I do really like it. This may be my favourite song of the moment, not my actual favourite song but you know, I’ve been listening to it a lot recently.

Now for another post consisting of LISTS! Because I’m very busy doing work on what will be coming when we launch. I’ll explain at the end… these lists will contain women! Lots of pretty women! Yes, boys we all like pretty women, but as a little twist, I shall add women who are sneaky hot. Granted this will be very subjective so you may disagree. But fuck you, it’s my opinion and my post. I’ll add a barometer, how many drinks would it take me to give me the confidence to approach one of these beauties. Also, this article is written on the premise should I ever become famous and get the opportunity to meet these women.

Katy Perry:  

Russell Brand is a very fucking lucky man.

 For the readers who know me even slightly well, you shouldn’t be surprised I included Mrs. Russell Brand. My love of leggy, busty, brunettes is as well documented as the Holocaust. She is absolutely stunning, eccentric and clearly has a thing for eccentric British guys (hello!), she seems incredibly approachable. Granted if I ever saw her in person there is a good chance I’d just stand in a dark corner with an erection and not even try to introduce myself BUT, here’s where alcohol comes into my equation. I would like to think after eight whisky chasers (ask Mike about the time we drank whisky chasers, absolutely fucking wasted after three) and maybe a gram of cocaine, I would approach her and ask her questions about Mr. Brand’s sexual prowess. I would drunkenly ask for her number and there’s a good chance she’d be too nice to say no, but she would give me the wrong number and I’d be heartbroken.

Adrian Lima:

SHOCK HORROR, another leggy, busty brunette! She is a Victoria’s Secret model, which means it’s perfectly acceptable to look at pictures of her in provocative lingerie, it’s her job what am I going to do? Say it’s wrong that a beautiful woman should make money off of her god given assets!? She’s also Brazilian and we all know Brazilian people are fucking fantastic people. I actually think I’d have a better chance with her than Perry, because she’s engaged to this guy. He’s a below average European basketball player… ergo, I’m European a shite basketball player and ugly, people I would be IN! Granted he’s taller than me by 5 inches but I think I could take him in a fight, or even one-on-one basketball. If my ankles or knees didn’t give out, like they always do. On to the alcohol; it would take the Dutch courage of four bottles of Corona (you know, the Latin American correlation thing) and 16 Marlboro Bright Leaf cigarettes to approach the stunning Adriana.

Debbie Davidson:

Debbie isn’t famous, she is a friend. You don’t have to be famous to be gorgeous. I’ll just leave it at that, before I get myself into more trouble… guys, she’s a nurse, how amazing is that?!

Amber Heard:

WHAT?! Not a leggy, busty brunette? No, may I present to you the beautiful Amber Heard. May I point out for the ladies, that in ‘The Rum Diary’ (the film adaptation of the Hunter S. Thompson novel) she has a sex scene with Johnny Depp. I know, compose yourself girls and wipe your gashes clean. We have an article to read. I would also like to add that Mr. Mike O’Donnell is madly in love with Miss. Heard, who’s to blame him? Being the gentleman that I am, I would not approach her out of respect for my good friend Mike. Although I would watch them have sex…

The sneaky hot list: 

Florence Welch:

The very beautiful (for some reason I wanted to use handsome, but that’s a terrible way to describe a woman) front of Florence + The Machine, Miss. Florence Welch. I’ve mentioned my admiration of her to a few friends; one commented “I have no idea what you see in her, she’s too pale” another commented “Hmm… she has a very distinctive nose though doesn’t she”. Well I think she is beautiful, and the fact that she really lets rip when she sings is quite a turn on, she’s shy and reserved in interviews but once she gets on stage she gets possessed. Maybe she’d be like that in bed. I would approach her with a fine bottle of Champagne, I would have tanked at least two before having the courage to talk to her. Good chance, she’d be too reserved and she would answer in monosyllables and I would get shy and quickly walk away, using my ‘ringing’ BlackBerry as an excuse to distance myself from her.

Samantha Cameron:

Yup, our Prime Minister’s wife. What’s not to like, she’s posh, witty, tall, mature and call me crazy but sexy. Maybe I’m just a stickler for posh accents, tall brunettes and big noses. I told a lady friend of my opinion that I think Samantha Cameron is a beautiful woman, we were in the cinema, she screwed up her face like no person has ever done so before then informed me that she wishes I never told her. Mrs. Cameron is the same age as my Mother, just for those who are interested. I would approach her after a bottle of very fine Italian wine, try to hide my strong Scottish accent as much as possible and not talk to her about politics.

Michelle Beadle:

This one is for our American readers (if we have any), Beadle presents Sports Nation on ESPN. She’s funny, genuinely funny. She is further evidence that Hockey guys get all the girls, here is her boy friend… Matt Barnaby fearlessly fighting legendary Hockey enforcer Tie Domi. I would not, approach her, repeat not. Barnaby would beat the shit out of me and it wouldn’t be fun. At all. He also gave the gigantic Zdeno Chara a good fight. Chara is 6’9″ and about 18 stone, Barnaby is barely six feet and maybe 13/14 stone.

That’s enough chauvinism for one day. Let me finish by mentioning that very soon we at TLAST will be getting our very own .co.uk domain. I will be writing some very interesting things about the seedier sides of London life. Think ‘Sin Cities’ meets ‘Trainspotting’. I’ll be immersing myself in lots and lots and semi illegal activities, and avoiding jail time because of legal loop holes I’ve been ruthlessly studying.  For example, in the City Of Westminster (central London) prostitution is in fact legal. It is illegal if you are solicited by a prostitute or vice-versa, but if you enter a brothel and pay for sex it is perfectly legal as long as there is only one prostitute in the brothel at any one time.

Once again, I am and always have been Jack-Lee.

“That Sounds Clever”

Hey hey kiddies!

Well, I’ve just spent a morning changing every instance of the words “Mum” and “colour” in a feature length screenplay to “Mom” and “color” in preparation for my impending USC application and I have honestly just about lost the will to live, so I figured I’d talk to you lovely people for a while. I will begin, if I may, with something of a personal rant.

My friend Dave does a really good leer. There is something about the way he scrunches up his nose, narrows his eye and nods his head that is grotesquely disrespectful in a disarmingly playful way. It was one of these infamous leers that earned the two of us the chance to join a couple of young ladies at their table last night.

By way of some background information, I was ditched by my girlfriend of a few years a couple of months ago. The whole thing was pretty awful in a clichéd kind of way and it has taken a colossal effort both on my part and on the part of my friends to pick me up, dust me off and rekindle my charmingly off-kilter sense of humour. I hadn’t really spoken to any girls since “the incident” but, fuelled by Guinness and bravado, I decided tonight was the night I would re-enter the fray.

Thus followed a conversation that was, at best, a shocking indictment of my country’s education system. I don’t wish to be mean, but when an explanation of which particular branch of chemistry I study had to be preceded by an explanation of what chemistry actually is I realised that I would have been better off chilling at the bar while Dave valiantly feigned interest in his muse’s failed modelling career. Alas.

It is on days like today, when it takes a can of Red Bull and two aspirin to shake both my splitting headache and cloying sense of disappointment, I have to remind myself that, one day, I will run into the girl I’m looking for. A girl who likes existential philosophy, Disney films and inorganic chemistry. A girl who listens to metal, punk and folk music. A girl who’s cute smile and bright eyes belie her dark, satirical sense of humour. A girl who understands both that a healthy suspicion of centralised power must be accompanied by a safety net for our nation’s less fortunate while they seek to better themselves as well as society, and that “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is the greatest movie ever made. Or “Oldboy,” I’m not picky.

I’m glad I got that off my chest; now let’s talk about some way cool chemistry.

Say hello to Mr. Fullerene:

A fullerene is one of the ways the element carbon can exist by itself and, as you can see it looks a bit like a football (or soccer ball). Each one of the “dots” represents a carbon atom and each of the lines represents a chemical bond.  Many different numbers of carbon atoms can be involved in such an arrangement, however 60 is fairly common.

Why am I telling you this? Read on.

It seems that a team of researchers at Rice University in Houston, Texas were curious as to how fullerenes would move across a metal surface, specifically as to whether they would “roll,” like a ball, or “slide.” Testing this presented a problem because, as I’m sure the reader is aware, it is very, very difficult to “see” atoms or molecules, even using the highest resolution microscopy techniques, and observing the exact movement of an individual fullerene would certainly be impossible. But difficult problems demand ingenious solutions.

Enter the nanocar:

That’s right, it’s a molecule. And a car. A really, really, really small car. With fullerenes for wheels.

The researchers, led by a Professor James Tour, hypothesised that they could synthesise this molecule, “drive” it across a gold surface using heat and follow it using scanning tunnelling microscopy (STM) in order to deduce its movement. And it worked. The team successfully showed that, under the conditions used, the fullerenes “rolled” across the surface.

Now, one can debate the merits of funding such research, and it does smack a bit of stoner chemistry (“Dude, what if there were, like, nanoscale people? Would they need cars?”), but one does have to admit that it was pretty damn cool.

Not content with this, the automotive geniuses at Rice went on to design a faster nanocar, known as the nanodragster. Seriously. Look.

The lower and narrower front end of this model makes it an obvious contender to break the nano land speed record. Which is still pretty slow.

This brings me to my suggestion. I am pretty sure that many chemistry departments the world over would be capable of designing and synthesising their own nanocars. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes, the Nano Formula 1 World Championships! I’m going to call my organic chemistry professor right now, and I implore any chemistry students reading to do the same. I don’t care how much palladium we need, we have to make this happen.

Anyways guys and gals, I have a screenplay to get back to so I will bid y’all adieu. I leave you today with a bit of shameless self promotion. The following song is set to appear on my Scruffbag Records debut EP “Zac Efron Stole My Name” (another blog, another day) so I thought I’d share:

And finally, I present to you Mr. Kid Harpoon:

The Best & (Very) Worst of Youtube

I spend an inordinate amount of time on YouTube, probably more time than I do on its porn equivalents; Spankwire, Tube8, Redtube, Youporn etc. I’m going to share my favourite (and least favourite) videos from the wonderful site that is, YouTube. An interesting fact, as of last year, YouTube’s profits reached the $1 Billion mark. Pretty impressive when they pay successful users using this pretty flawed formula; Earnings Potential = (Number of subscribers x $0.05) + (Total number of channel views x $0.01) I’m not good at maths, but if you had let’s say, for the sake of argument, 600,000 subscribers and 10,000,000 channel views a number roughly along the lines of (let me get my calculator from my apps menu, let’s here it for Mac!) $1.3 Million. I think… Anyway, it is a fuck load of these (Yup, I went to my local exchange bureau and paid 66p for a single Dollar bill. I’m the boss, it’s just how I roll. Spending large amounts on TLAST);

Without further adieu, we shall begin with the very best Sports related videos (I apologise for being biased, fucking shoot me I have favourite teams!);

– This video is further evidence why Hockey guys get all the girls. For one, they’re all incredibly handsome, rich, tough (as in will protect a woman’s honour is someone fucks with her) and secondly, incredibly generous when it comes to buying folks alcohol! Funny footnote, Tyler Sagan, Boston’s 19-year-old Centre was apparently so royally fucking drunk (the legal drinking age in America is 21) that there was quite the outrage in predominantly Catholic Boston. Also,  Right Winger Brad Marchand, who is 20 years of age, was sent home to Canada by team Captain Zdeno Chara for partying too hard. Hockey guys are fucking FANTASTIC.

– As a lover of most things Boston, I fucking despise all things New York. In particular, the New York Knicks and especially Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudmire. I watched this live on a terrible online feed last season and went fucking ape shit when Paul ‘The Truth’ Pierce hit the game winner.  Making the game winner even sweeter was the fact that this was the first Celtics-Knicks faceoff since the Knicks collossal trade to grab Anthony from Denver. New York was heavily favoured, but as we know, you never question the heart of a champion! Tiny Nate Robinson’s tumble over Pierce is priceless.

– Even casual sports fans have heard of this call; ‘Do you believe in miracles?! YES!’. Obviously this is an Olympic hockey game featuring the USA and USSR, funnily enough at the time of the Cold War. Contrary to popular belief, this was not, I repeat not the Gold medal game. America beat Finland in the Gold medal game. Interestingly, if the USA had lost to Finland in the gold medal game, the USSR would have gained the Gold medal without actually playing the game (obviously), due to a better tournament record than Finland. Entering the final period of the Gold medal game (USA-Finland) the USA trailed by a goal head coach Herb Brooks stormed into the locker room, looked at his emotionally exhausted/dejected players (the oldest player being 22) and screamed; “If you lose this game you’ll take it to your grave… your fucking grave!” Stormed out of the locker room, returned to the coaches area and watched his team smash 3 goals into the Finnish net, winning the game 4 goals to 2 and avoiding turning the most shocking moment in American sport history into an embarrassing footnote in Olympic history and wasted opportunity. Instead, this video gives even a Scotsman (me) the chills. I mean come on the Americans were huge underdogs!

Now, I bring you the best in music related videos;

– I have no fucking idea what they sing about but, they put on one hell of a show. (You can tell I’m getting a bit fed up of writing at this point.)

– What can I say, my favourite band’s last live performance (apparently ever). ‘Head Like a Hole’ one of my favourite live songs. What else do I need to say. Well I can say that I think it’s amazing that Trent Reznor has the same enthusiasm for his music that he did 21 years ago.

– Just look at her. LOOK AT HER GODDAMN IT! So beautiful. Also, I have the exact same sunglasses she wears in the car; Ray Ban Wayfarers.  Yup. Same sunglasses as Katy Perry.

Before I begin the very worst of YouTube, I’m going for a cigarette break (Yes, really) maybe you should too! One step closer to lung cancer, I bring you the (very) worst;

– Yeah a bit sobering, not so lighthearted as the good videos. Personally, I find this video really difficult to watch. It’s tragic. Two incredibly talented young musicians completely fucked out of their minds, one side of me romanticizes the ‘trauma’ of addiction and another side of me sheds a tear for Amy Winehouse’s family and most of all (and selfishly) her wasted talent. Also, Doherty; you’re a fucking fantastic musician, stop trying to kill yourself. I think we’re all party to blame for Winehouse’s self-destruction; I read recently that she never liked being famous and still went to her local bar in Camden where she grew up. It just seems she was easily led and couldn’t handle the constant ridicule that the British media insist on bombarding a person with for no reason, well I suppose it helps them sell newspapers and drive traffic. So well done media fat cats you’re rich and she’s dead. Really congratulations. We live in a very vicarious society and I suppose you executed your job perfectly, we watched a beautiful and talented young woman hit the downward spiral that is addiction and then die.

– This is Richard Pryor incredibly high on Cocaine. It’s hilarious and tragic. Hilarious as in he is one of the funniest men ever to live and the jokes (due to the Coke) just fucking fly out of his mouth but also tragic, when you can occasionally see the real Richard in his eyes at certain points; essentially a vulnerable young boy. A few months later, Pryor in a state of Cocaine psychosis doused himself in high-proof rum and set himself alight, in an attempt to kill himself. Needless to say, he wasn’t the same afterward.

– Summer 2011, my first Summer in London. Riots, paranoid and civil unrest. Then at about 1:30 am a few weeks ago, this happened half a mile down the road from my flat. Scared this shit out of me.

– I don’t want to say anything, except that this is horrific and wrong. I posted this video so that everyone could read the ridiculously racist opinions of certain people. Expand the link and read the comments, I hope you’re a decent person and they enrage you.

– I really like this old series of ol’ Russ’ but it’s strange to watch with the benefit of hindsight knowing that he was heavily into crack and heroin and struggling to survive. On a bright note, out of his face on drugs, he’s still brighter than most of us and put that Nazi asshole in his place time and time again. Congratulations to Russell Brand on staying sober for over eight years now. One day at a time!

Okay, I think 1,200 + words is enough on YouTube. I’m thinking that I could do this post weekly? Thoughts people?

‘If you tremble with indignation at every injustice them you are a comrade of mine’ – Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara. Thought I’d leave on a quote.

Once more, I am and always have been Jack-Lee.

P.S. I hope our regular readers are enjoying the blog and appreciate that we’re in the early stages and will stick with us. Thanks for the support people!

Hi, I’m The New Guy…

I’m Mike and I’m a renaissance man, which sounds so much better than “bum”. At the behest of my good friend, Mr. Jack-Lee, I will be offering some of my musings regarding the human pursuits of science and music for this fine tome. No, don’t go. It’ll be fun, I promise.

I will begin today in my capacity as a scientist and talk about a subject very close to my heart:  popular misconceptions about science. Being a hip and cool young man, I am, naturally, concerned by the state of public discourse when it comes to science and my concern is never greater than when I hear one of the following statements read as “fact”. If you believe, or have believed, any of these please do not despair, it is most likely the result of scientists’ ineptitude when it comes to dealing with the public. You’ll know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever been in a joke-telling contest with a physicist. Let the lesson commence!

1.  “Science is a Belief System/Religion”

No, it’s not. Science, at its most basic level, is a series of rules for verifying innovation or assertion. At its best, it is the process by which we as human beings assess whether a claim is reasonable to believe or, to use the popular vernacular, bullshit. This assessment is made according a set of standard practices and any conclusions are subject to challenges from the scientific community at large. Scientific conclusions are something that most of us implicitly accept every day. I imagine, for example, that getting on a plane without accepting physics’ explanation of how it will stay in the air would be a truly terrifying experience.

This contrasts with a belief system or religion in which claims which are not, or cannot, be tested are accepted as a matter of faith. It is common for such systems to consider believing in that which is difficult to believe to be a virtue.

2.  “Scientists Are Just Out to Get ”

I can see why certain people believe this one given that, in recent years, scientists seem to have been cast in the role of telling the public not to do things without offering any clear explanation, not unlike a nervous mother trying to get her son not to masturbate.  Scientists, or should I say good scientists, aren’t out to get anyone: where the evidence leads, they follow. For example, Christians who claim that scientists maliciously attack their faith may be reminded that the offending assertions are made based on a testing methodology which they can choose to accept or not accept as the case may be, however the methodology itself bears them no ill will.

3.   “If a Scientist Says It, It’s True”

Think of the last time a television advert made a scientific claim and you thought it sounded a little weird? Well, scientists often think the same thing and we find ourselves questioning the experimental method, sampling and statistics used. In short, not all science is good science. That’s why we have a system of publication and peer review.

Dodgy scientific conclusions are challenged all the time, even those made in the most respectable of journals, and are sometimes found wanting. In these cases, the scientific consensus adjusts its view accordingly and this very process is responsible for some of the greatest human discoveries in history.  Based on this the general public should always be sceptical of scientific claims which they are expected to believe, especially those which seem questionable. If in doubt, check your source!

4.  “Evolution is Just a Theory”

Okay, I got you, this one is true. But this phrase has become something of a mantra for those who clearly confuse theory with guesswork. Any claim, regardless of how much evidence supports it, which cannot be categorically proven must, scientifically, be regarded as a theory. Evolution cannot be proven simply because we can’t watch it happen.

Vast swathes of evidence support the idea that the diversity of life on earth is the result of incremental evolution and, as such, it is widely considered reasonable to believe. This would change if evidence emerged which contradicted this idea. Basically, the fact that something is a theory does not mean that it is not worthy of belief. Take the theory of gravity, for example.

Incidentally, some types of evolution have been proven such as in the case of fruit flies (Drosophila Melanogaster), where short lifespan and prolific breeding mean that scientists can watch certain characteristics evolve within a population over time.

Finally, in my capacity as resident musicologist, I present to you Mr. Franz Nicolay:

131 Views! Fuck me, thanks folks!

Its the end of the day, I’d like to thank everyone in a very Scottish way;

Let’s do this again,

Jack-Lee. (Sorry, I did this through my BlackBerry)

The Shawshank Flaw (men’s height), Kris Humpries Punching Above His Weight & The Nostalgic Power of Music

I am not old, I feel it sometimes. That would probably be attributable to all the horrible things I’ve done to my body over the years and even as I type this I’m nursing a broken ankle. I took a bad fall playing basketball with a couple of kids. Not in a pedo way, just that I’m over competitive and challenged them. I won, even playing on a broken ankle, just because I’m a fucking warrior.

Music plays a colossal role in everyone’s lives, well not everyone but at least 98% of the people I know (we’ll get back to this later). So do films; but this isn’t about films. Just one observation, well someone pointed it out to me. In, one of the greatest films ever made, The Shawshank Redemption (1994) how can Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins) fit into Warden Norton’s (played by Bob Gunton) suit at the end of the film; after his tunneling-through-shit jail break. Tim Robbins is apparently between 6’4” and 6’5”, Bob Gunton is apparently 6’1”. The point is I’m 6’1” and there’s no way in hell a suit tailored for a man 3 to 4” shorter than me would fit. Other than that, it’s a fucking great film.

Since we’re on the topic of height and I being a young man, which means everything is a competition, even height. Here is a list of people the same height as me, this probably only interests me but, I am the same height as; Rainn Wilson, Timothy Dalton, Russell Brand (I thought he was a lot taller), LL Cool J, Brendan Gleeson, Saddam Hussein (Yes, really), Jim Carrey, Enrique Iglesias, Johnny Cash, Jeremy Sisto (one of my favorite actors!), The Ultimate Warrior, Bill Murray (another one of my favorite actors!), Arnie, Jay Z (my homie, we own the New Jersey Nets together), Chris Martin, Daniel Day Lewis, Tony Parker (the French basketball player. Complete mad shagger, used to me married to Eva Longoria) and this one’s my favorite, Till Lindemann of Rammstein!

Speaking of the New Jersey Nets, their below average Power Forward Kris Humphries just married the hot Kardashian, I say hot she ins’t that hot but there is a sex video of her on line.  He’s a below average basketball player, she’s a talentless whore; they’re perfect for each other. Vegas has set the over/under at 3.5 months; I’ll take the under.

Music is really fucking powerful; the emotions some songs evoke are fucking ridiculous. Obviously I can only use myself as an example, this is just an example of a diverse range of songs which evoke a certain amount of emotion.

I’ll start with a manly sport one. It’s one of those songs that when I hear it I instantly have to go on youtube and watch this clip of Tim Thomas decking one of the Sedin twins from this past Stanley Cup Finals .
I’m not Irish, nor from Boston so I don’t know why this song turns me into a testosterone filled animal.

This one is a fair bit sentimental.
I remember when my Grandmother was in hospital, I was about maybe sixteen. She wasn’t feeling great, I recently began listening to the Rolling Stones, I told her, she asked me if I had this song, I did, she listened and belted it out like a fucking trooper and that’s with chronic COPD.  Two years later at her funeral, I got to chose the song when everyone was leaving; my Mum wanted Westlife, I said fuck that and blasted The Rolling Stones; Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud! 

Eighteen years of age, living on my on in Dundee. Edith Bowman night at Dundee Student Union, still holds up as the best night out I’ve ever had. The hangover the next day also holds up as the worst I’ve ever had.

I lost my virginity to this song. T’was the 15^th of December 2004, it was a Friday. I couldn’t really get it up. The sex finished before the song did.

May or may not remind me of a certain young woman breaking my heart. YOU BITCH!

Before I moved to London last year, I watched Guy Ritchie’s films nearly every night. I was going to write something really spiteful about that situation, but fuck it, I’m not in the mood. Just a resounding FUCK YOU to a handful of people; you know who you are, I hope you die in a fucking fire.

I first heard this song by chance on the school bus on the way home in early 2005. I remember listening to it about four times during that journey, ignoring all my friends and my girlfriend at the time, the song just caught me and ever since it has been my favorite song, upon discovering that song Nine Inch Nails quickly became my favorite band and still are. I even have a ‘NIN’ tattoo on my right wrist, I do regret that a little bit now.

Anyway, I’m only posting this because I am too scared to voice my opinions on the London riots. In all honesty I am not from the correct socioeconomic background to really understand how these kids feel. Let this man explain, be warned he speaks the truth;

The Quest For ‘Perfect’ & Why Porn Has Ruined Everything

I am now of an age when I can look back on my younger years and scoff at silly things I did. For example; masturbate to stolen copies of FHM.

Around the time I sprouted my first ball hair, a wonderful thing came to my attention: BROADBAND. Oodles and oodles of porn at my finger tips (and more importantly my cock-tip… that sounded funnier before I wrote it. I’ll keep it in, fuck it). After three days of rampant masturbation I went to A&E with a separated right shoulder, damaged rotator cuff muscles and tennis elbow. It was fan-fucking-tastic!

Jesus, where am I going with this…

Internet porn has ruined a generation of young men! Namely my generation! You see, the problem is I love women and I love sex; but porn has made me so fussy on the quest for ‘perfection’ (Which I now realise doesn’t exist) I don’t get laid very often nor had a proper girlfriend in four years. I’m not saying I am a particularly handsome man, but, I am fucking gorgeous. Since finally maturing into a man, which was about a year and a half ago; something changed, I found it quite easy to chat up and shag women (ask Angetastic about four years ago, in my bed… that fateful night). I realise that makes me sound like a chauvinistic asshole. The problem arises here friends; I have on numerous occasions turned down guaranteed sex from beautiful women in their own right but they weren’t, just you know – perfect.

Porn has also shaped how I have sex. I expect over the top orgasmic noises as my penis is in her mouth, I expect her to be able to do all the special things with her throat that Sadie West can. Once upon a time, I persuaded a girl to let me fuck her doggy style – guys, sit down you won’t believe this, but most women don’t like that position, apparently it’s degrading. I know I’m shocked too. It’s my favorite – she seemed tentative at first, I got in a rhythm, she made some noise not Kagney Linn-Karter noise but you know, a little whimper here and there. Then I did the Rocco Siffredi (as I like to call it); rise from your knees to your feet with your legs bent at a really fucking severe angle (don’t know why I did this I’ve had chronic knee problems all my life) and fuck really hard downward. Which lead to this exchange;

Girl – “Ah jesus fuck, aaaah! Lee what are you fucking playing at?!”

Me – “Fucking you good and deep, bitc-baby!”

Girl – “I’ve had enough” She drops to her belly, Mr Jack-Lee pops out there is a distinctive release of air shall we say. She get’s dressed and leaves. I then wanked to porn, went to sleep, got up in the morning and wanked to porn again.

That’s what I’m trying to say! It’s too easy to lock yourself in your room and fantasies about these beautiful, drug addled, sex addicted, surgically enhanced women sucking your dick. Now I know I’m not the only person that does this, at least I hope not. Which is; finding POV (Point of View) videos where the guy’s cock is similar in size and shape to mine so I can get a better porn experience.

On my quest for porn star sex, I attended a swinger’s party a few months back in North London. It was miserable; I watched horrible middle aged people fuck the shit (literally) out of each other, whilst I, as a virile young man stood in a dark corner and arsed eleven bottles of beer (hey they were free, the Scotsman in me couldn’t say no to free drink) in about forty-five minutes. As I staggered back to the Underground, drunk and not reeking of sex, I had a revelation of sorts. Find someone you genuinely like, adore their body and just ask them to do the strange sex things you like after a few months.

The lesson here kiddies (horrible choice of word for a post about porn!); I’m not perfect, although I am very fucking close so I shouldn’t be a fussy prick and neither should you.

Yes, I am and always have been Jack-Lee; happy wanking boys!

NOTE: Reading this makes me realise why I am so painfully single.  I hope a certain lovely young woman I know never reads this.

Introducing,

The new writer/photographer & contributor; the incredibly beautiful and immensely talented Scottish starlet that is, Angela Steele.

She’ll be ranting and raving (as women do), philosophising, hopefully repairing her cameras and posting cool photography shit, giving a brutally honest female perspective and being sexy and stuff.

The cliche… 30 things to do before I’m 30.

Well, 37 things. It’s named ‘Jack’s Bulls Shit’ for a reason. Got SEVEN and half years, which sounds like a lot… but it isn’t.

1, Have sex with a 10.

2, Develop a system of complicated phrases and colloquialisms and name it a language.

3, Marry a 10 – might be a stretch…

4, Punch a Giraffe and/or spit on a Camel. Okay, serious now although they were all serious.

5, Learn how to tie a windsor knot.

6, Get arrested.

7, Auto-fellacio…

8, Stop smoking.

9, Have sex with a [female] friend and remain friends (fucking hell! You’re thinking That’s a bit different than the other ones!) IT CAN BE DONE! Applications can be sent to jacklee.macdonald@gmail.com

10, This one is not at all in my control, but have one of my favorite sports teams win a championship. Either the Philadelphia Eagles or Boston Celtics. My money is on Boston… but would rather it be Philly.

11, Actually ‘fall in love’ whatever that means.

12, Learn how to cartwheel.

13, Earn at least £35,000 per year.

14, Visit Latin America and come back without a nasty bullet wound or cocaine addiction.

15, Attend a Nine Inch Nails gig.

16, Write something good…

17, Be an openly nicer person.

18, Skim a stone across a lake.

19, Get a driving license. Maybe.

20, Scare tourists.

21, Learn Spanish or German properly.

22, Not father a child although I would be a fantastic dad.

23, Pay for sex, just to see how bad it is. But, I actually have to orgasm.

24, Two words; Swinger’s party.

25, Visit a certain person’s grave.

26, Get something published [blogs owned by me don’t count].

27, Attend a West Ham-Milwall game. Or Celtic-Rangers. Or Lazio-Roma.

28, Learn to swim!

29, Stop deliberately isolating myself from people.

30, Attempt stand up comedy.

31, Stop being an opinionated asshole and accept other people’s ideas, no matter how shit they are.

32, Meet someone more famous that Wolf from Gladiators. 

33, In honor of Larry Bird, get shit faced then not only play, but win, a competitive game of basketball with a hangover.

34, Scotland to win the Six Nations… too much to ask?

35, Not, under any circumstance, lose my hair.

36, Eat blow fish, or puffer fish whatever its name is.

37, Read ‘Atlas Shrugged’ By Ayn Rand, no matter how shit it is.

Associated Press; Pete Doherty [finally] jailed.

Associated Press.

Pete Doherty jailed for 6 months for possession of Cocaine according to AP sources.  A light sentence for what he’s done in the past really, I do like his music though.