The Shawshank Flaw (men’s height), Kris Humpries Punching Above His Weight & The Nostalgic Power of Music

I am not old, I feel it sometimes. That would probably be attributable to all the horrible things I’ve done to my body over the years and even as I type this I’m nursing a broken ankle. I took a bad fall playing basketball with a couple of kids. Not in a pedo way, just that I’m over competitive and challenged them. I won, even playing on a broken ankle, just because I’m a fucking warrior.

Music plays a colossal role in everyone’s lives, well not everyone but at least 98% of the people I know (we’ll get back to this later). So do films; but this isn’t about films. Just one observation, well someone pointed it out to me. In, one of the greatest films ever made, The Shawshank Redemption (1994) how can Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins) fit into Warden Norton’s (played by Bob Gunton) suit at the end of the film; after his tunneling-through-shit jail break. Tim Robbins is apparently between 6’4” and 6’5”, Bob Gunton is apparently 6’1”. The point is I’m 6’1” and there’s no way in hell a suit tailored for a man 3 to 4” shorter than me would fit. Other than that, it’s a fucking great film.

Since we’re on the topic of height and I being a young man, which means everything is a competition, even height. Here is a list of people the same height as me, this probably only interests me but, I am the same height as; Rainn Wilson, Timothy Dalton, Russell Brand (I thought he was a lot taller), LL Cool J, Brendan Gleeson, Saddam Hussein (Yes, really), Jim Carrey, Enrique Iglesias, Johnny Cash, Jeremy Sisto (one of my favorite actors!), The Ultimate Warrior, Bill Murray (another one of my favorite actors!), Arnie, Jay Z (my homie, we own the New Jersey Nets together), Chris Martin, Daniel Day Lewis, Tony Parker (the French basketball player. Complete mad shagger, used to me married to Eva Longoria) and this one’s my favorite, Till Lindemann of Rammstein!

Speaking of the New Jersey Nets, their below average Power Forward Kris Humphries just married the hot Kardashian, I say hot she ins’t that hot but there is a sex video of her on line.  He’s a below average basketball player, she’s a talentless whore; they’re perfect for each other. Vegas has set the over/under at 3.5 months; I’ll take the under.

Music is really fucking powerful; the emotions some songs evoke are fucking ridiculous. Obviously I can only use myself as an example, this is just an example of a diverse range of songs which evoke a certain amount of emotion.

I’ll start with a manly sport one. It’s one of those songs that when I hear it I instantly have to go on youtube and watch this clip of Tim Thomas decking one of the Sedin twins from this past Stanley Cup Finals .
I’m not Irish, nor from Boston so I don’t know why this song turns me into a testosterone filled animal.

This one is a fair bit sentimental.
I remember when my Grandmother was in hospital, I was about maybe sixteen. She wasn’t feeling great, I recently began listening to the Rolling Stones, I told her, she asked me if I had this song, I did, she listened and belted it out like a fucking trooper and that’s with chronic COPD.  Two years later at her funeral, I got to chose the song when everyone was leaving; my Mum wanted Westlife, I said fuck that and blasted The Rolling Stones; Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud! 

Eighteen years of age, living on my on in Dundee. Edith Bowman night at Dundee Student Union, still holds up as the best night out I’ve ever had. The hangover the next day also holds up as the worst I’ve ever had.

I lost my virginity to this song. T’was the 15^th of December 2004, it was a Friday. I couldn’t really get it up. The sex finished before the song did.

May or may not remind me of a certain young woman breaking my heart. YOU BITCH!

Before I moved to London last year, I watched Guy Ritchie’s films nearly every night. I was going to write something really spiteful about that situation, but fuck it, I’m not in the mood. Just a resounding FUCK YOU to a handful of people; you know who you are, I hope you die in a fucking fire.

I first heard this song by chance on the school bus on the way home in early 2005. I remember listening to it about four times during that journey, ignoring all my friends and my girlfriend at the time, the song just caught me and ever since it has been my favorite song, upon discovering that song Nine Inch Nails quickly became my favorite band and still are. I even have a ‘NIN’ tattoo on my right wrist, I do regret that a little bit now.

Anyway, I’m only posting this because I am too scared to voice my opinions on the London riots. In all honesty I am not from the correct socioeconomic background to really understand how these kids feel. Let this man explain, be warned he speaks the truth;

The Royal Wedding, Americans and the Arse of Pippa Middleton

Ah the power of the social media these days eh? Every single – straight and even maybe gay – guy wanted, let’s talk frank here, to fuck Kate Middleton. Many of us still do, I mean would you? I would. Not that ‘she would’ me, but that’s not important when I get sleeping pills on prescription is it? (I’m not a rapist, that was of course a joke. Calm down internet morality police.)

Such as I am, being an arrogant Sottish asshole; hating the English and all that. I now live in the reasonably nice city of Londonium: as the Romans used to say, I think. It’s a complete fish out of water scenario. I grew up in a tiny costal village in the North east of Scotland, where incest and bigotry are not just acceptable but openly encouraged. The only way to have fun in that place is either take lots of drugs or alcohol. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that there was absolutely no fucking way I was going to be able to avoid this Royal wedding, mainly due to the fact I live barely five miles from Westminster. A five mile journey into London still takes a good fifty minutes though, fucking transport system.

A week or two before the big day I was living with a friend in the Ramada hotel in the London docklands. After a night of alcohol and many, many cigarettes (and because I was smoking Lucky Strikes, drunken conversations about Jon Hamm as Don Draper being incredibly handsome and Christna Hendricks’ very large breasts. Watch Mad Men, it’s braw) there was of course quite a hangover to be dealt with. Full English breakfast! Orange juice! Coffee! And of course painkillers! (only paracetemol. Eleven months! One day at a time baby!). Anyway, we got a table next to your stereotypically loud American couple; you know the ones, the ones that talk way to loudly and say incredibly ironic things about London’s tourist attractions without batting an eye. To my amazement, after laughing at their naivety – the truth is, I’m so naive about London the only people I can laugh at are tourists – the woman, at least I think she were a woman (Lawl), began reading one of those shit free magazines you get at posh hotels. She and her family, a daughter and husband, were absolutely fucking spell bound by the spread on the Royal wedding. They were old enough to remember Prince Charlie marrying that tart Diana and began to compare beautiful Kate to her. No.1, how the fuck dare they?!  And No.2, Why did they care so much? I mean America seems a much more interesting country that England, I mean they have a black president! (I’m not racist, although that was a slightly anti-American joke, which is technically racism…) At the time I didn’t take much notice of it, but it’s stayed my head until now, today I read an article on GQ’s blog… but we’ll get back to that once I’ve told my silly story. <Insert Cigarette break>

The BIG day. Not going to lie, I watched the wedding and I liked it; even as a narrow minded bigoted Scotsman. I noticed a few things – as did the world apparently – Prince William is a very handsome bastard and he looked like a little shy boy awkwardly kissing his new wife, Kate Middleton is the epitome of a classy beautiful woman, the Queen has a husband! Whoda thunk it, when a Landcaster bomber and two Spitfighter planes fly less than five hundred feet over your quiet flat, not only is it cool as fuck but also fucking terrifying, the Queen looked a little pissed off on the balcony of Buckingham palace and finally Prince Harry likes the ladies in particular – here’s the point of this nonsensical post – Pippa Middleton! Her arse has been the subject of conversation for the past month.  Yes it’s very nice and almost instantaneously there were Facebook pages dedicated to her rear end – which I happily clicked ‘Like’ on – and pages about her and Prince Harry and something called an awkward moment when they disappear during the wedding reception, or some shit like that. 

I may or may not have been thinking the same as Champ…

Back to the Americans and GQ. A quote from Patrick Grant of GQ: “I am just back from America where one or two quite big stories have broken in the last few weeks. So it was with no small amount of surprise that I discovered that the most talked-about item on stateside news is not Osama Bin Laden’s secret porn stash but nothing less than Pippa Middleton’s shapely behind.”something I’ve noticed too, the British newspapers (I use the word newspaper in the loosest term possible, the Sun, Daily Mail etc. Are not by my definition a newspaper.) run pictures of Pippa Middleton, without fail, every single day. Yesterday she was spotted with a male friend, someone snapped a picture, it was front page news and now this guy is apparently an ex boyfriend back in for seconds or something. I remember as a kid that Prince Charlie and Lady Diana were always front page news, not Lady Diana’s sister… get my point? I can understand it in British tabloids and magazines, but why are Americans so interested in our Royal family. It’s something I can’t understand, like how you can’t understand how I could just, kill a man (Some Cypress Hill/Rage against the machine for you there).

I used to think the Royal family serve absolutely no purpose other than to live on our tax money and look posh, I think they’re pretty important now. No.1, Americans (and most tourists) think that the British are posh, talk funny and have bad teeth (two of the three are facts). No.2, The British tourism industry and fucking geniuses they use the Royal family to facilitate this idea of the ‘picture’ of British life, even though life in London in reality is lots of crime, drug use, over priced pubs, Staffordshire Terriers all over the place and over crowded public transport (especially on the Underground, I lost my anal cherry on there a few months ago).

So there you have it, a narrow minded bigoted Scotsman now likes the Royal Family and appreciated them for the fuck loads of money the must bring into the country through the tourism industry each year. And now Pippa Middleton has teenager all over the world masturbating thinking of her arse, bet she didn’t expect this to be the outcome of her sister’s wedding.

On another note; The NBA playoffs have been eating up my time, like, I don’t know a fat man eating up his crisps or something, hence the lack of posts. My Boston Celtics were eliminated in the second round by the Miami Heat (of all fucking teams) which makes me sick. You may or may not know that Barack Hussain Obama is a Chicago Bulls fan, a huge one apparently, and the way things are going for him recently – killing Bin Laden and that – the Bulls will win the NBA championship, which I’m okay with.

My favorite living writer, Bill Simmons, is finally getting his freedom from ESPN.com’s page two and very soon will be launching his very own website! www.grantland.com Keep an eye on it, it should be good.

Boston’s Rational. Well, my opinion anyway.

“Do it your way.” – The one and only Al Davis

Now I know most of you probably don’t like NBA basketball but I do, and especially the Boston Celtics. People hate the Celtics because they win, it’s that simple; I love the fact they win. My other beloved sports the The Philadelphia Eagles, do not win and have never won in my lifetime. Boston have. Also, I hate Michael Vick I mean the guy actually murdered dogs and thus the C’s are now my team. It’s fun, they’re despised: especially Kevin Garnett, my favorite player; I even have his jersey. I look ridiculous in it mainly because I’m very white.

This is one of the many reasons why he is my favorite player,

Passion baby! And it’s always great to see a professional athlete being honest and overwhelmed. He also doesn’t murder animals.

Anyway, you should never get too attached to players. Ultimately each professional sports team are businesses (we’ll get back to this later, by later I mean a different post) they don’t really care about the fans or winning, it’s bottom line profit. Boston shocked the shit out of everyone at the trade deadline by trading Kendrick Perkins and Nate Robinson to Oklahoma City for big hairy Serbian Nenad Kristic and Jeff Green (Boston’s No.5 pick a few years ago when they traded his rights to Oklahoma, who were at the time were based in Seattle for the one and only, NBA history’s 3 point leader (by the way he hit the record shot over Kobe Bryant), Ray Allen.)

Let me explain what I am getting at. In game 7 of last years NBA finals. Celtics at Lakers, The C’s led by 12 points at the beginning of the fourth quarter, Boston got tired and they were a man down; Perkins blew out his knee in game 6, who just happened to be their best rebounder and post defender. Pau Gasol, the very large – very soft – Spaniard Laker went bat-shit-nuts grabbed about 20 rebounds and led the comeback, leading to another fucking Kobe Bryant title. He [Bryant] was so smug about getting revenge on Boston for the 2008 finals humiliation. Gasol would NEVER grabbed all those rebounds if Perk wasn’t injured! On that note, Kobe went 6-24 from the field in that game and still won the Finals MVP, Gasol was MVP. Fuck. I know what you’re not thinking, if you’ve even bothered to read it this far. Why would Boston trade their best assest, not including south central Los Angles’ own Paul Pierce, for potentially dethroning the Lakers as champions for a forward who can’t defend (Green played power forward for Oklahoma City, he’s naturally a small forward) the low post and a hairy Serbian who can’t rebound? Don’t forget Nate Robinson, he’s under sized and is really erratic but he’s a good bench guy and sometimes explodes for 20 points. So, Boston trades their best low post defender and rebounder for two guys who can’t do either. I think there is a rational to Celtic’s General Manager – devout Mormon, we’ll also get back to Mormons and Bringam Young University (BYU) [again in a different post] – Danny Ainge. Well it isn’t speciafically his rational it’s more my opinion.

No.1 – LeBron James. Paul Pierce simply cannot keep up with him for a 7 game series. Boston are 3-0 against Miami this season but Pierce doesn’t defend him well, Pierce post-ups the shit out of him on the offensive end but as we all know LeBron is an absolute physical freak and potentially, potentially the most talented Basketball player ever. Yes, even more than Jordan. It’s blasphemous but true. Jeff Green is a 25 year old body and six extra fouls and it means a fresher Paul PIerce if Boston and Miami meet in the Playoffs, which if they did would as it stands be the Eastern Conference Semi’s. The Celtics were old last year and broke down in the finals, especially Allen, Pierce and Garnett; funnily enough their oldest and best players. Boston just needs to hope that Green was a poor defender becuase he was out of position, if he really is that poor of a defender the trade is moot and he’s useless defending everyone’s least favourite NBA player, LeBron James. This is unrelated but of course the animosity toward James’ move to Miami is race related. Everything in America is race related!

No.2 – Kendrick Prekins simply cannot play offense. Neither in all honesty can starting point guard Rajon Rondo. In the final two minutes of games, when free throws are more important than life itself, Rondo and Perkins disappear and the Celtics literally play  3 -on-5 offensively. Once again, Paul Pierce takes too big of a burden in tight games, Pierce is the only Celtic that can create his own shot, Ray Allen needs to come off screens and KG is KG when the game’s tight; a choker. Kristic is a hairy, soft European, has a receeding hairline and looks like he never showers. But, he can shoot and more importantly for a Centre he is a fantastic free throw shooter. So at least the Celtics are now 4-on-5 in crunch time. And no one fucks with Serbians. It’s a well known fact that they’ll fuck you up if the shit hits the fan.

No.3 – The Celtics do not expect The L.A. Lakers to make the Finals. It really is that simple. Green would defend Nowitzki, of Dallas, or Kevin Durant (ironically) of Oklahoma city; much better than Perkins. The league is full of perimiter players and Boston were simply catching up, by sacrificing low post toughness.

No.4 – Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis. Boston would rather sign him to an extension than Perkins who now has two surgically repaired knees and a surgically repaired shoulder and for 26 he has lots of games under his belt after being drafted at age 18 out of high school.

Forgetting the fact that Boston also signed the cadavers of Carlos Arroyo and the atroscious Troy Murphy, I’m pretty happy with the trade. Even though Boston got held to 79 points last night by the New Jersey Nets.

Boston sacrificed, well more gambled, on the short term with plans for the future; younger players (Green, Kristic) and making young role players (Big Baby) hopefully stepping up and of course paying them.

There shall be more posts today and hopefully they’ll actually be a decent read.

Jack-Lee